It gets better.

So it’s been a few days and the storm has passed some. I recently started taking an anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drug and it’s helped loads. I’m not shy about talking about it, because I have a sincere belief that mental health issues in America are far too stigmatized when they ought not to be. So yeah, I am one of many millions who struggle with depression, anxiety, and a lot of PTSD stemming from bullying in my early childhood all the way through my adult life. Everybody has their story and mine, sadly, isn’t particularly unique or special. It is what it is.

Since getting on the meds, things had vastly improved, up to the brick wall I seemingly hit a day or two ago when I last posted. Here’s the rub: I can’t, nor can the doctors, really tell how much of this last episode could be from having half of my thyroid removed less than two weeks ago.

What I do know, is the symptoms of this last episode were eerily similar to one I had some months ago when a blood test revealed my thyroid antibodies were extremely high so I don’t exactly think it’s a coincidence. I just have to keep in mind that these episodes of deep, dark, emotional distress may be less a mental thing and more a physical-chemical thing.

When you feel that low, sometimes the only thing you have to cling to is pure logic and all you can do is double down on your patience until things right themselves again, which I am here to tell you, is A LOT harder than it sounds. I’m a screwed up mess, that’s for sure, but yet I still manage to be functional which I am extremely proud of.

It’s a symptom, of what I don’t know yet, but as things keep getting eliminated and ruled out, I have to believe I keep getting closer to an answer.

Some disorders present with pain, some with dry skin, some with motor function issues etc. It’s just my luck that my symptom is presenting as extreme emotional dysregulation. Maybe I’m just crazy, maybe I’m not. I won’t know until about a month out from surgery if it’s a hormone issue because of my thyroid. It very well could be but testing for it now wouldn’t yield much by way of data to compare as the hormone released by the thyroid, (as it was explained to me) is long-acting and takes about a month to get used up or work its way out of your system.

I feel like there’s something more going on than just my thyroid, but I can’t get a doctor to listen to me. Hell, it took me two years and three doctors just to get an ultrasound of the mass the size of a grapefruit protruding out of the side of my neck. (apparently, I’m just a fat girl, and when you’re a fat girl, that is the end all of be alls when it comes to any potential health problems you may have.)

So the best thing I think for me is to continue to be honest about the bad days, hope there are more good ones than bad, and just keep plugging along until either my body sorts its shit out or we hit that “Eureka!” moment and we get an answer as to what the hell is going on and treat accordingly.

TL;DR – Thanks for putting up with me and listening to me vent. I’m trying to write you more books.

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